Isn’t anger a heavy thing?
It’s taxing to carry it around, even for a moment. It takes so much energy and focus. I think it comes from your internal judge. You may say to yourself “What that person did was wrong, why didn’t they do this instead? They did a bad thing and they don’t even realize it.” Ask any doctor of psychology, your thoughts precede your emotions. If you have an internal dialogue of “right” and “wrong”, of diagnoses of people, of judgments, you will probably end up with negative feelings towards them.
Have you ever asked yourself why you are feeling that way and explained it without using the words “right,” “wrong,” “should,” “shouldn’t,” or “deserve”? When you are feeling sad, discouraged, or have any emotional pain, you may be tempted to assume the role of ultimate moral authority of the universe and start judging or diagnosing people. What is a person to do when you start telling them that they are disrespectful, or that they don’t listen? They get defensive! Worse yet, they agree with you, and they feel guilty about what they did or who they think they are as a person. They feel bad and they have no idea what it is that they did or said that stimulated your feelings of pain.
When you express what you are feeling, what you are needing (in terms of values such as honesty, communication, respect, acknowledgement, etc.), people are then able to develop an empathetic connection. They can only do this as long as they hear your message as it is, and do not hear judgment, which is partially their responsibility. Once empathic connection is made, all resistance is eliminated and healing can begin. Only then are they able to listen to your request of what you would like to see differently from them.
- I feel
- I need
- I would like…
no “right, wrong, good, bad”